I'm a little sad today. Nothing in particular really happened, I suppose. At least not one thing. Maybe it's a lot of things. Maybe it's plain homesickness.
I've made a lot of friends here so far, way more than I expected to have after only one month. When I walk into church, I can say hi to dozens of people, and I know I can call pretty much any of the teachers at my school if I need them (and Tiffany's right downstairs. Hey Tiff!) But today I miss having people who know me. I needed to talk to a girl friend about a kind of tricky situation today, and I had to explain all of the backstory before I could even ask for her advice. I miss having people around who already know my story. I wish I had someone here who knew why I get upset about the things that upset me, or why something can excite me and make me want to throw up at the same time. I have friends here, but I miss my friends, you know?
I'm also getting a little tired of being new. I go to church twice a week, and each of the last eight times I was there, I sat in a different seat and met new people. I like meeting people, I really do, but I just want something to be consistent. I miss having multiple rows of people I recognize in the back corner of the sanctuary, and I miss having the same faces at Bible Study every week. I know I had to start from scratch here, and I know that building relationships takes time. It takes time to become comfortable in a place, and it takes time to have people feel comfortable around you. But I put in that time - four years at the Vineyard - and I was comfortable there. People there knew when my eyes were really crying even though my face was smiling, and people here don't know that. It's no one's fault; the people here are wonderful and friendly and amazing, but we're still getting to know each other. I miss not having to "get to know" people - just knowing them already.
Right now, I mostly miss my college roommates. I miss crawling into bed with, well, any of them, and cuddling until the world stopped being scary. There's too much going on in my head right now, and I just need to hold hands, make popcorn, and figure things out. I'm extremely thankful for skype, and I know any of my girls would hop right online to talk to me if they knew how lonely I am, but I'm afraid this time it might make it worse. It'll just remind me that the closest I can get to any of them is a backlit screen, and that's an awfully depressing thought.
I know I didn't technically talk to anyone by posting this, but I feel a little better now. I'm going to curl up with my stuffed animals and watch Glee for a while... and tomorrow will be another day.
Lolly, Smelly, Mocha, and Tilly - I miss you guys right now. Too much. But you know what? I'm glad I have you to miss in the first place.