Thursday, July 29, 2010
My first freak out
I signed up for this adventure under the pretense that I wouldn't have to go it alone. I've never had any particular desire to move to South Korea; it was my friend's idea, and I jumped on board. Unfortunately, Ben isn't the kind of guy who just steps outside his comfort zone; he frickin parachutes out of it and ends up in another galaxy, or in this case, Saudi Arabia.
While we were applying for jobs in South Korea, Ben was also applying for jobs in the Middle East (apparently). Before the ink was even dry on my contract, Ben was interviewing with Saudi, thereby turning my whole world on its head. I'm ridiculously excited for him - if he takes this job, he'll be working with the chairman of the Harvard English department, and that's stinkin cool. But it also leaves me in a potentially terrifying spot: I'd be moving to Korea alone.
I knew I'd be leaving alone, and I was okay with that. I was okay with getting there before him, trying my hand at navigating the subway system, and bumbling my way through not accidentally ordering dog for dinner. But that was all under the assumption that someone was on his way to save me if I drowned. There was a lot of comfort in knowing my friend would be there soon, and I wouldn't have to look like an idiot forever. But now the rules have changed, and I wasn't even sure I was ready to play the game in the first place.
I'd like to pat myself on the back a little; I made it nearly twelve whole hours yesterday before I broke down. I finished working, put on a stellar puppet show, and got funky to some Vanilla Ice before I crumpled into a weeping mess in front of the church. It wasn't just knowing I'd be in Seoul alone; it was the first time it really hit me that I'd be leaving my life behind. I've been a part of the Vineyard for four years; heck, I moved to Cincinnati just to stick with those crazy, messed up people. When Ben first suggested Korea, I drove straight to the Vineyard and wandered around until I found someone to pray with me about it. They are my ecclesia, they are where I fit, where I belong, and now I'm leaving them. I almost switched to Crossroads a few months ago, but I couldn't do it because I desperately love the screwed up people at the Vineyard. Switching to Jubilee (in Seoul) is a tad bit bigger of a change, and I'm terrified.
There's not a time in my life that I can remember being more afraid. I know I made a joke about it a few posts back, but this time I'm completely serious. If I think about it too much, I literally start shaking, and I've spent the last twenty-four hours constantly on the brink of tears. I cried myself to sleep last night, blasting hymns about trusting in God until I finally passed out. Friends, I'm so scared. I didn't know a person could be this scared of anything, and yet here I am.
I wonder what the next few weeks will hold. I want Ben to come to Korea with me more than almost anything else right now, but I have absolutely no control over God's will for my own life, let alone for his. And I genuinely am proud of him for being offered such a cool opportunity in Saudi Arabia, so it's doubly hard to reconcile my selfish desire for him to be my babysitter. But I have a really big God, a God who passionately loves me and will work all things together for my good. If I have to go to Korea alone, I'm going to have a few more anxiety attacks, shed a lot more tears, and probably give myself an ulcer, but I won't really be alone.
You don't know what's coming
But you know the One who holds tomorrow.
I will be your guide,
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me